All Aboard the Lotus Expressway

All right, so this afternoon I tried meditating. I hadn't meditated in quite some time, but now I'm trying to start up again because maybe it will help me with self-control over my moods and will give me more energy and a more balanced outlook. So I sat for about 30 minutes listening to Gregorian Chant and trying to focus. I guess you could say that my attempt at focusing wasn't that great until the very end, but there is one upside to this: after 10 minutes, I really wanted to quit, but I told myself, no, I'll wait another 20 minutes until it's 4:30 and then I'll stop. It was a test to see if I could exercise a little self-control. If I succeeded, I told myself, then that meant there was hope in overcoming my moods. And what do you know, I made it to 4:31. So this means that there is hope. Also, something interesting happened around 4:25. I actually started to focus. I saw all of my emotions rushing past me in a train, and beyond the train, there was a big open green field full of peace. And light was coming out of me and going through the train and into the green field. And then there was a certain someone (guy) who I used to really be in love with and whom I really want to stay close to even if we never become a couple because even though he has a lot of problems, I see this immense goodness buried deep inside him. While I was meditating, I saw the half of him that broke my heart in the train, and I saw his good half, the half I don't want to forsake, standing in the field. I projected my soul through the train and into the field, and I approached him, and I saw his soul, this beautiful glowing white, and I leaned in and kissed it, and then I wrapped my energy around him until I was sure he was filled with it, and then I left. And then it was 4:31. Sure, this guy may not be the guy I was meant to spend the rest of my life with in a romantic way, but there are certain reasons why I feel that he needs my good energy in his time of turmoil. Part of my meditation is about focusing on letting go of things that bring me pain, like desire, and replacing them with things that bring me joy, like unconditional love. So now, instead of desiring this guy, I have decided that I will love him unconditionally and hope that my love will make the sun shine just a little brighter on his doorstep. That's all I want.

So basically (I use the word basically a lot, I have a habit of summarizing things, which apparently was a bad thing in English class...) my first shot at meditation in a long time was an overall success, even if I didn't actually focus until the very end. I was still able to exercise self-control, and I was able to send somebody my love, so I say that was a success. All right, that's all I have to say about that.