Fifty First Posts

I have had a lot of first posts. I fiddle with blogs on a regular basis. So I can't really guarantee that this time will be any different. I like to say things like that all the time, "This time will be different," but it only gets me into trouble. So I won't say it. Every time I start a blog I always seem to have some sort of message I want to get across, some really big gradiose point I want to make. Then it gets old, and I stop posting, and eventually I just dismatle the damn thing and wait for the next episode. Because there will always be another episode, I just never know when. I can't think of any better explanation for the phrase "art imitating life" than this one though. Ever since adolescence, my mind has been coming and going, starting and stopping, but neither I nor anyone else really paid any attention. At this point, I think I know what the problem is, and of course it took me eighteen very messed up years to discover this wondrous fact. I am probably bipolar. But in this day and age, that's not really big news, especially since it's not even Type 1, it's Type 2, which is way less severe (at least in manic phase, but you still get the full effect in depressive phase, so there's really no bargain there). Oh well, I care.

But putting the bipolar option on the table has answered a lot of burning questions I have had since I was little about why I feel the way I feel. It also shouldn't come as much of a surprise that I have what I have, since my family has a raging history of mental problems.

So what is my big, grandiose plan for this blog? Well, hopefully I'm coming to you now from that beautiful place we manic depressives like to call the "Normal Phase" which is like a time-out from crazy. I don't feel particularly euphoric, so I'm going to pray I'm not manic, and I do feel sort of slow, so I might still have a edge of depressive, but I've learned to value the relative quiet that my depressive phases give me as opposed to the feeling of terror that comes from losing control and bouncing off the walls. So anyway my plan. Ok, so I told myself I wasn't going to write a plan down because every time I write a plan, I end up never posting anything after I went for ten paragraphs on this long petition of rights and grievances. So I want to say there is no plan. Basically, like any other blog, it's a ventilation system, but otherwise, I don't want to jynx it, so I'm pleading the fifth.